Not Enough
by Reginetta
Summary: A bit of Gillian and Cal's history...“It’s not always so simple, Gill, you know...”


Hi everyone, this story is partly autobiographical. Well ok I'm not a psychologist and the guy was nothing like Tim Roth... But I was thinking about some stuff I went through a few years ago and I ended up writing this... Actually, my ending was totally different from what I hope will happen to Gillian, because I ended up with another guy altogether (nothing like Alec! :) ) and I'm over the first one, but still I was inspired by what I felt back then to write this.. You probably don't care about my personal stuff, so here's the story! Let me know what you think.

I don't own lie to me.

* * *

When Gillian was in college she had a silly conversation with her friends. One of those girls-night-in conversations, we've all had plenty of them, it's not the kind of conversation that you usually remember. But she remembers this particular one, because it suddenly came back to her many years later, and has stuck with her ever since. They were in her dorm room, drinking and putting on nail polish. One girl, Rebecca, had asked the others: "Would you ever sleep with a married man?" "Sure, no problem, actually, maybe someone's problem but not mine!". This of course wasn't Gillian speaking, but Annette, a fun, loud girl who was always very adventurous... when she spoke, but Gillian had often wondered if she had the guts to put into practice half of what she said... "Never!" That was Gillian. "Come, on Gill! How can you be so sure! Everything is always black or white to you!" "Of course I wouldn't! I am sure. It's wrong." And Rebecca, who shared with Gillian a passion for romance novels and the search of true love in general, had asked her: "But Gill, what if you meet your soulmate, the love of your life, and he's already married to someone else?" "Then he'll have to divorce her before I even kiss him!" "It's not always so simple, Gill, you know..."

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Back then, it had been simple for her. She had though then that someone would at some point sweep her off her feet, that they would marry and have children and live happily ever after.

When she met Cal Lightman, at the new job at the Department of Defense that she had been offered after the success of her PhD dissertation on "Psychological reasons behind deception", she hadn't really thought he would be the one to sweep her off her feet. He wasn't the kind of man she usually dated, not to forget that he was already married, and had a little girl. She really didn't go for married men.

But working with him had revealed itself an incredible experience, for both. He was a genius in his field, he had done fascinating research all over the world, and his theories on microexpressions were just the missing pieces to her own studies for her dissertation. She on the other hand gave him an angle on situations that he had lacked until then. And she seemed to be the only one that he could stand, and that could stand him. They were both aware of how this relationship –purely professional- was very fruitful for them, how they made such an amazing team. Of course they argued, many times. She was younger, and idealistic, and always wanting to follow the rules, while he had a mysterious history and was ready to do literally anything to uncover a lie. But they did agree on what finally was right or wrong, and that is what would eventually get them both kicked out of the Pentagon.

And in all this, she had fallen in love with him. Of course she denied it, he wasn't her type, and he was married for Christ sake! And what she could see on his face when he looked at her didn't help at all. He's just attracted to me, it's no big deal, he's married and could never love anyone else but his wife (but even still it made her feel incredibly sexy when he looked at her like that. She felt naked under his gaze, naked and wanted...). She would hear him fight with his wife, a beautiful, intelligent woman who obviously hated her, she would catch herself feeling hopeful, and then she would kick herself for hoping that someone's marriage could fail. But she had stopped dating, and told her friends that she was too busy at work.

Sometimes, he would look at her in a way that made her wonder if really he was only attracted to her. They started staying later and later at the office, just talking. And one night it just happened.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

They were sitting next to each other, maybe a little too close. He looked at her, she looked away. She looked back at him, he looked down. Then they both looked at each other and suddenly kissed, passionately, desperately. His lips, his tongue, kissing licking biting, her face, her neck. She had felt like she couldn't control what she was doing, she had climbed on top of him and straddled him, her heart pounding so loud and fast, he had pulled her really close to him, she could feel his erection pushing between her legs and she had felt so wet, she had never thought a man could do that to her... And then he had stopped. And she had spoken, because she hadn't wanted it to be him to speak first, him to push her away, because she knew he was going to. And she was always going to remember that she was the one who had spoken, but he was the one who had stopped. And if he hadn't... "Cal, what are we doing? We can't do this". She had stood up. "I can't, Gill, I can't, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry love." His head in his hands. "You mean so much to me, Gill. But I can't do this. I hope this hasn't ruined everything". She had wanted to scream that oh yes it had, but the truth was she wouldn't give up working with him, nor his friendship, no matter what. And she couldn't blame him really, could she. "Of course not. I'll see you tomorrow Cal".

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"_Then he'll have to divorce her before I even kiss him!" "It's not always so simple, Gill, you know..."_

She hadn't known back then. She did now.

The next day, when a 5 year old girl with brown hair slipped into her office asking for some of the candy that she usually secretly shared with her, Gillian remembered what her friend had said that night in her college dorm, and realised that she now understood it.

The rush from that night, that wild desire that she hadn't fulfilled, stayed with her for a long time. It would flash back to her, in unexpected moments. She could tell he must be having similar thoughts.

She finally married Alec, who had been courting her for a very long time. She liked him. Cal looked heartbroken when she told him. She had been really wanting to tell him from the second Alec had proposed, just to see that look on his face. She waited, they stood silent, until he said slowly: "Congratulations". "Thanks." She walked off scoffing herself for feeling disappointed... What the hell had she been hoping for?

And when they had to leave the Department of Defense, and he asked her to start their own company, the little shrink inside her head told her to forget it, that this was finally her chance to be free from him. Actually, even the big husband inside her bed told her to forget it, that there were plenty of good jobs waiting for her, that Lightman was the one who had gotten her into trouble in the first place. Of course he was jealous. But how could she not work with Cal? They were both at their best when they were together, professionally it was the best possible choice; and their own firm, it was going to be hard at first but it was worth it if they could finally be free to choose how to do their job. Plus she didn't quite think that getting dressed in the morning could bring her about half the pleasure if she wasn't going to see him every day.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Then came a time in her life in which she thought she was happy. She loved the firm they had built, that was growing day by day, it was almost like it was their child. She told herself that what she had was much better than the happily ever after she had imagined in college. So, they weren't together. They were both married to someone else. But he loved her, she knew that. Wasn't that enough? So what if her job was to uncover lies and she was living one. If they really were together, she wouldn't have the thrill of this neverending maybe one day, the excitement and the tension that you have only right BEFORE you actually get together with someone. The looks, the touches, the brief embraces and chaste kisses, the double meanings, the jokes, the occasional intense moment in which they told each other that they cared... these filled her life, she didn't need anything more. Who needs to actually BE with the man you love? Of course, there was that one thing they had never done, that maybe they would have that night back then if he hadn't stopped them. Of course she thought about that, she thought about it a lot... Sometimes, when she was alone in her vanilla scented bubble bath. Sometimes, when Alec was making love to her. Right, that's not nice, but come on, everyone does that. After all, in her experience, fantasies were always way better than the real thing when it came to sex.

But this conviction didn't last long. Soon came the time when she realised that no, it wasn't enough. When the man you love is suffering, you want to be able to tell him that you love him. When he is hurt, you want the right to hold him a little longer than a best friend would. When he is almost killed, you realise you could spend the rest of your life regretting. And when you are suffering, because your daughter is taken from you, he is there, of course he is. He holds you a little when you cry. But it's not enough, is it? And when you are attacked during a case, he runs to you, he is really scared, he is sorry, he is with you at the hospital. You can see it all in his eyes. But he can't be at home with you that night. Her husband was nice, of course, he tried to comfort her. But he just didn't get it. He blamed Cal, and told her she should leave her job. Definitely not what she needed to here right then.

That night in her bed she cried from how much she wanted him to be holding her.


End file.
